I Have Tasted the Fire
by Apocalypticism
Summary: Maybe he would go out to sea again and never return.


I Have Tasted the Fire

by Apocalypticism

**AN:** Although this is a t-rated fic, there is some language and implied drug use ahead.

Sid had two packs of cigarettes, a bottle of Jack, and his life in a suitcase. The sun was bright and the air was warm as he drove down the highway, singing a song aloud because the radio was broken. With every mile he drove, his heart grew lighter. He was leaving Hillwood behind. He was starting anew. Nothing had ever felt better.

"_Je ne veux pas déjeuner, je veux seulement oublier, et puis je fume_..."

–

The strange thing about cities was that even as much as they changed, they were still the same. Stores could disappear, buildings could fall and be rebuilt, and people that once lived there could leave, but there was still the heart, the same pulsing feeling of life, the feelings of emotion and grief and joy, the feeling of the human experience, permeating the concrete and the brick and the plaster. Sid was thankful for this, because it would have been terrible to come back to a foreign place that should have been familiar.

He didn't have very much money, but he hadn't had much when he had left. Living cheque to cheque was something he was skilled at. Things would be all right. He visited all his favourite haunts, revelling in the memories that came flooding back to him. He didn't have very much time however, because night's chill was starting to fall. Sid had saved this place for last.

He stood outside the comforting old brick boarding house, a mainstay during his childhood. A dirty old sign, "Rooms for Rent," was taped to the worn brick. Under it was, "No Kids, Pets OK." Sid took a deep breath and knocked on the door. He wasn't sure who would answer.

A few minutes passed before his knock was answered. It was a familiar, oblong face. Sid couldn't decide if he felt disappointed or relieved that it was Arnold.

"May I help you?" Arnold asked.

Sid saw he hadn't changed very much from the last time Sid had seen him. His face was still serenely disinterested, but it seemed a more mature expression of ennui than boyish ignorance, Sid decided.

"I'm wondering if I could rent a room," Sid said, unsure if Arnold recognized him.

Arnold nodded. "Sure, come into the kitchen and we can talk."

Sid followed him inside gratefully, because his ratty sports coat wasn't doing much to keep the bitter chill off his arms. The boarding house looked exactly as Sid remembered it, except for being more worn. Arnold sat down at the kitchen table. Sid sat across from him.

"So, how long are you looking to rent?" Arnold pulled out some paperwork.

"For a few months, at least. I just got here in town and can't exactly pay for an apartment yet," Sid said as he looked over the paperwork.

"What kind of accommodation are you looking for?"

"Oh, just something simple. A place to come back to at night."

"We've got a one room room ready to rent right now, pre-furnished, about two hundred thirty a month," Arnold explained.

"That sounds great, could I see it?" Sid asked, running a nervous finger over the ring on his finger.

"Sure, come with me," Arnold said as he stood up.

Sid followed him up the stairs to the second floor, which was just as dreamily surreal as the first floor. Sid felt as if he was ten years old again and it was an odd feeling. Arnold walked to the near end of the hall and unlocked the door, pushing it aside so Sid could examine the room.

It was small, Sid couldn't deny that, but it felt homey in a run down sort of way, like seeing a picture from a bygone time one remembered fondly. In a nook was a small twin bed with yellowed sheets. Across from the bed was a small, squashy couch and a coffee table. On the other wall was a small desk and wooden chair. Also along the wall was a door that Sid figured led to a closet. It was cramped, but Sid would take it.

"Does the price include meals as well?" Sid turned back to Arnold.

"Yes, breakfast and dinner. Lunch, you're on your own."

"I'll take it, thank you," Sid said.

They went back downstairs where Arnold went over the rules and etiquette of the boarding house. Sid mostly ignored them all, nodding his head until finally Arnold showed him where to sign. Sid signed it in his best cursive, _Sidney R. Gifaldi_.

"Okay, the room's yours now, Mr Gif... Sid?" Arnold's eyes widened as he looked at the signature.

"Jesus, took you long enough to find out my name, Arnold," Sid leaned back in his chair and grinned.

"Where have you been? I haven't seen you for years," Arnold had a soppy grin on his face like one tends to get when meeting a friend again after many years apart.

"I've been all over the place, you know, uh, like I was in New York for a few years but the rent is killer. All along the east coast, man. I tried living in Tuscan for a while but I just miss it over here. For the longest time I worked as a fisherman and that was all right. Hard work but enough salty air for me. What have you been doing?"

"I haven't really travelled much since college, got married, settled down. I run the boarding house and help my wife run a bakery. It's good," Arnold said. "Oh, that's my wife, Susannah."

Sid looked up at the woman in the doorway. She was beautiful in a generic sort of way, with golden brown eyes and red hair. Arnold always did have a thing for redheads. She was also very pregnant.

"Su, this is my old friend Sid. He's going to be staying in the boarding house," Arnold explained.

"Hello, Sid, nice to meet you," she said in a pleasant voice.

Sid watched her as she started pulling out bowls and bags of sugar and flour. He felt his heart twinge. Her eyes had been that exact same shade. Sid shook his head and looked back at Arnold.

"Well, thank you for letting me stay here. I've had a long trip, so I think I'm going to just turn in for the night. If you have time tomorrow, we should catch up," Sid said.

Arnold nodded, "I'd like that. We'll do that."

Sid smiled a weak, tired smile as he grabbed his duffel bag. Once he was safely in his room, Sid pulled out the folded up picture he always kept in his jacket's pocket. Sid carefully unfolded in and traced her features with a calloused, loving hand. Her brown eyes were still going to haunt him. Susannah's eyes would always be her eyes.

–

"Here's your coffee, Sid," Susannah said, setting down the white ceramic cup.

Sid looked up from his paper and gave her a small smile.

"Thanks, Susannah."

"Have you had any luck in the job search yet?" she asked, taking a step back and resting one hand on the small of her back.

"No, I've only gotten a few interviews, and they've never lead to anything. If I can't find anything soon, I don't know what I'll do," Sid said, circling a few more ads in the classifieds.

"Well, I have an idea that I'm sure Arnold will approve of," Susannah sat down across from Sid, sighing a little as she settled down. Sid had to look away, no matter how much he reminded himself that it was _Susannah_, he still saw her eyes. "I can't be on my feet all day like this much any more, and I can't be here hardly at all after the baby comes. Arnold and I would be more than happy to give you a job."

"Really?" Sid couldn't believe it. "But I can't cook at all."

Susannah smiled, "Really. You don't have to cook, you can run the register and help clean up and things like that. You don't have to cook if you can't."

Sid reach out and took her hand, his heart beating fast because her hand felt like _her_ hand. He shook Susannah's hand and shook it some more, a big grin on his face.

"Thank you so much, you're saving me from being homeless on the streets, again."

–

"I'm here to pick up a cake, it should be under the name Sawyer."

"I'll go check in the back, I'll be just a minute," Sid said, ducking back into the kitchen, where sure enough, a white box with _Sawyer_ scrawled on it was waiting.

Sid picked it up and walked back to the front. He put the box on the counter and opened it up for the young woman.

"Does everything look okay?" he asked. "No misspelled names, huppy birtdays, or screwed up ages, right?"

The young woman giggled, "No, everything looks great, thank you."

Sid smiled and boxed the cake back up. "So who's birthday is it? Your boyfriends?"

"No, it's my daddy's," the woman blushed slightly.

"Well then tell your dad I said happy birthday. You already paid, so here's your cake, misspelling free. Have a good day, ma'am, and have fun celebrating."

"Well, thank you," the woman's eyes darted down to Sid's name, untidily scribble on his apron in permanent marker. "Sid. You know, I knew I Sid when I was in school, and I haven't met another one since."

"I happened to know a girl with the last name Sawyer when I went to school. Lila Sawyer. She was a sweet girl," Sid said, leaning on the counter.

"I'm Lila Sawyer... Sid Gifaldi? Is that you?"

"Wow, Lila, really? I haven't seen you since we graduated," Sid stood straight up.

He hadn't even recognized her. No longer was her hair a gleaming natural red, it was a dark chestnut brown. She wore a sleek black trench coat, underneath which a trim grey pencil skirt poked out. She looked like she was on her lunch break.

"I know! How have you been, Sid?"

Sid laughed a short, dark laugh. "I've been a lot of things, I just got back in town a month or so ago."

"Really? Where'd you head off to?"

"I've been all over the place, east coast, west coast, midwest, all of it."

"How exciting! You know, we should get lunch tomorrow and catch up, because I'm only on my lunch break right now and I have to run this cake back home, but we should get lunch tomorrow," Lila flashed him a smile.

"We should, where do you want to meet?

"I know this nice little sandwich place, oh, hold on, I'll write the address down for you," Lila fished around in her purse and pulled out an old receipt and a pen, hastily writing on the back of the crumpled paper. "How about we meet there about 12:30?"

"That sounds great, I'll see you then," Sid was smiling more than he had in a long while.

–

Sid sulked around outside the sandwich place he was supposed to meet Lila at. It was surely winter now, and he disliked the fact that winters here existed without snow until late January. It never looked quite right to see all the Christmas lights shining and twinkling without snowfall. He supposed he should blame Currier and Ives for that.

He bit his tongue trying to hold back a cough building deep in his throat, but it burst out of him anyway. Sid spit on the ground, wiped his mouth and sniffed, hoping that he would be able to afford a real winter coat soon. Most of the money he earned at the bake shop went towards rent. He had never been the best at managing his money.

Sid licked his lips and glanced up the street, spending a few moments people watching. He brought his half-smoked cigarette to his lips then drew his hand through his dark hair. The bitter wind would blow it in his face again in a second. Smoke spilled out of his lips and he caught sight of a woman who could be Lila. Sid took another drag of his cigarette before shorting it on the brick of the building he was standing by. He carefully stowed the short back in his pack.

Lila walked up to him and gave him a smile that made the whole grey day seem a little bit brighter. She was wearing the same black trench coat but had smart khaki dress pants on instead of a skirt.

Sid returned the smile, "Hey, Lila, how are you doing?"

"Very well, thank you. And yourself?" Lila asked while Sid held the door open for her like a gentleman.

"I have the day off work, so I'm happy," he laughed a little.

Lila smiled again, but it was a pursed-lip smile, like she regretted this lunch date. Sid couldn't help but notice it. He turned his attention to the menu displayed above the cash register and placed his order. Lila didn't even have to glance at the menu to make her order. Sid supposed she came here quite often.

They took a seat at a booth situated by the window. Lila mentioned that it was always interesting, this city. The people were never dull. Sid laughed a little and agreed without really meaning it. He shed his coat and was ready to dig into his sandwich, which looked very appetizing, when Lila made a little sound.

"You have... a lot of tattoos," Lila said.

Sid looked down at himself. He never gave a second thought to his tattoos, because he had lived with them so long. They spanned his arms, chest, neck, back, and legs. Lila thought he had a lot, she could only see his arms and neck!

"Yeah," Sid said sheepishly, "I got a few and then just ended up collecting them, you get one, and then you want more. It's hard to have just one."

"I have only one," Lila said, which surprised him.

She didn't seem the type at all to get a tattoo. Lila had been so prim and proper through school, when all the other girls wore low-slung jeans and plunging tops, Lila had done nothing of the like. Sid thought hard about what she had worn during school, he remembered her being as stylish as any other girl, but never in a revealing way.

"Maybe you don't have a reason to get another tattoo just yet. What's yours of?"

"It's nothing big, it's the dates... the years my mother was born and died," Lila picked at her sandwich while she told Sid this. "Right over my heart."

"See, I didn't get the idea that tattoos should be meaningful until after I got both my sleeves," Sid gestured to his arms which were filled with flames, devils, skulls, women, playing cards, guns, and the like. "It looks badass when you're twenty, but now I feel a little bit contrite, y'know, being almost thirty and walking around like this." He laughed awkwardly. "At least you can't see my back."

"Your back?" Lila asked, putting down her sandwich.

"Yeah. That's where I let people who were learning to be tattooist practice," Sid said.

"Why would you let them do that?" Lila looked aghast.

"Well, they needed to practice on somebody and at that time, I didn't care. But you know, what does it matter anyway? I'm never going to have a job where they care about tattoos and even if I had the opportunity, I wouldn't want to. But y'know, forget about tattoos and junk, what have you been up to?"

While Lila explained what she had done after high school, Sid inhaled his sandwich. It was delicious.

"...graduated from there... wow, was it really seven years ago? I guess it was," Lila laughed a tinkling laugh, "with my bachelors in elementary education. It was really hard to find a job after that, so I went back to get my masters. All that education was for nothing though! I ended up getting an associates and I work as a paralegal now, at Rutgers, Holzman, and Edgars."

"That's a lot of school," Sid said. "Do you like working as a paralegal?"

"It's okay. The firm's doesn't do many criminal cases, so the research is a little dry, but it's a job, and I have a lot of debt to pay off," Lila said with a twinge in her voice.

She grabbed her soda and brought it to her lips to take a drink. Sid noticed the sparkle on her left hand.

"You're engaged?" Sid asked.

Lila looked up at him and then down at her hand. She nodded, still sipping her drink. Once she had placed her cup back on the table, she smiled softly. There was a light in her eyes that Sid never noticed before.

"Yeah. We're getting married this summer, in July," Lila said, her cheeks pink and flushed.

Sid could imagine her perfectly as a blushing bride. He had always thought she would be the girl to get married right away and fill the housewife role, but she had surprised him by continuing her education so much.

"Well, who's the lucky guy?" Sid asked, taking a deep breath. The ring on his own finger felt like it was burning his skin. He didn't want to look at it, because he knew he would probably tear up, and he couldn't do that. It had been years. It had been years.

Lila blushed harder and said, "His name is Cole. We met when I was in graduate school. He... he was so stupid, he would come to the, I worked in the cafeteria and he was an undergraduate, and he would come there to eat everyday and talk to me. Later I found out that he lived in an apartment off-campus and didn't even have a meal plan, he just came there every day and paid eight dollars a meal to talk to me. Finally he asked me out and the rest, the rest is history. He's ever so sweet, we get along very well."

Sid smiled, "Well, congratulations, I'm happy for you."

"Thank you, Sid, that's sweet," Lila said. "Are you married? You have a ring."

"Y-yeah," Sid felt his breath catch in his throat. "About that, it's, it's really complicated."

"Oh, I'm sorry," Lila looked embarrassed now.

"Hey, it's cool, don't worry about it."

Lila gave him a small smile, but her eyes were downcast and she looked sorry that she had asked.

"Well, my lunch break is about over, so I should probably head back to work. How about I give you my number and we talk sometime? I had a great time seeing you again, Sid, really."

"That would be great," Sid said.

Lila smiled and pulled a pen from her purse. She hastily wrote her number down on a napkin and slid it over to Sid. He returned her smile while he placed the napkin in the inside pocket of his jacket. His fingers brushed against _her_ picture and his breath caught in his throat again. Lila noticed the pained expression that flitted across his face but didn't say anything.

They put on their outerwear to brace themselves against the cold. After they exited the sandwich shop, Lila gave Sid a brief hug that surprised him so much he didn't have time to return it.

"Like I said, give me a call sometime, Sid, it was great to see you again," Lila said, flashing him another smile.

"I will, you have a good day," Sid said.

She nodded, then turned and melted into the crowd of people on the street. Like a ghost, Sid thought. He coughed heartily, letting out all the coughs that he had been suppressing during lunch. Afterwards, he pulled out his pack of cigarettes and lit one up, taking a deep drag before turning to face the cutting wind. Sid scratched at his face, fingernails catching on scabs. He wasn't walking towards the boarding house. He was going to let his feet carry him. Sid didn't quite care where he ended up tonight.

–

It was a slow day at the bakery. After the morning rush of people coming in to get coffee and a pastry, things had died down. A few people had come in to pick up cakes and other confections, but overall, things had been very empty.

Sid sighed and wiped his hands on his apron. He had just finished putting some tarts in the display case. It was boring, to not have any one to talk to. Sid figured he would just spend the rest of the day cleaning the store, so he wouldn't have to do it at closing. He scratched at his face again, turning red at the effort he was making to hold back his cough.

Suddenly the kitchen door burst open. Sid expected it to be one of the bakers with a tray of something to put in the display case, but it was Arnold. He looked anxious, but also happy. He stared at Sid for a second, like he wasn't quite sure what to say.

"Is everything okay, Arnold?" Sid asked tentatively.

"Yeah. It's all good. It's more than okay, I hope," he said, the words tumbling out of his mouth in quick succession. "Susannah went into labour! We're going to have our baby," Arnold grinned.

"Oh, wow!" was all Sid could say.

"Yeah, so I'm taking her to the hospital now. I want the store closed for the rest of the day, do you think you could help everything get closed up?"

"Yeah, of course, man, go ahead and take Su to the hospital, I'll take care of everything here," Sid said, clapping Arnold on the shoulder.

Arnold grinned again and thanked Sid. He disappeared into the back, then reappeared shortly after with his coat haphazardly thrown on, gloves in his mouth while he wrapped his scarf around his neck. Sid watched him race out the door while feeling an acute pain in his heart.

Sid knew he should be happy for Arnold, it was his first child after all. Still, he couldn't help but be jealous of Arnold's happiness as he thought of all the what-ifs. The jingle of the store's bell woke him from his thoughts. Sid tended to the customer, then got started calling all of the people who had things scheduled for pick-up today, letting them know that the store was closing early and asking if they could wait until tomorrow. A few people needed their orders today, but couldn't make it until after they got off work, so Sid decided that he would stay here at the store until they could make it.

By the time that all the orders had been picked up, the bakers had cleaned up and left for the night. Sid watched the last customer leave. He wandered around the store aimlessly for about a minute before he remembered to lock the door. Then he got started on the closing process. He counted out the till and the deposit and was glad that he had done the cleaning earlier today, as he could leave now. Sid left the deposit in the office's safe for Arnold to take to the bank tomorrow morning. He did a quick scan of the kitchen and upon seeing that everything looked okay, he shut off the lights, leaving out the back.

That night, Arnold called the boarding house. One of the other boarders picked up the phone and relayed to the others what he was saying. Susannah had delivered a healthy baby boy, seven pounds, four ounces. The delivery was tough, but both Susannah and baby Phillip were doing well now.

While the rest of the boarders talked amongst themselves about the new baby, Sid slunk off to the backyard to have a cigarette. He looked up to the sky and then after a moment of deliberation, pulled out another picture from his jacket. This one was of her as well. Sid knew it by heart, he had committed every detail to memory. He still remembered it like yesterday, even though it had been years ago.

The picture showed her, resting on the hospital bed, smiling a tired smile. In her hands was a baby. His baby. Her baby. Their baby. Caroline. His daughter. Sid let a tear slide down his cheek. Caroline was such a pretty baby. She had been born with her father's dark hair. She was so chubby, and she had the biggest eyes Sid had ever seen. When he had held her, the feeling was indescribable.

Sid wiped away another tear. He flicked his cigarette past the fence and into the street. A lighter was produced from a pocket. Sid looked at her face one more time and held the lighter to it. It browned rapidly before holes appeared, eating away her stupid brown eyes and her baby cheeks and her dogged smile. Sid put his lighter back in his pocket. All that remained was Caroline.

Reaching into his pocket again, Sid pulled out her picture and carefully ripped it up, throwing the pieces to the wind. He watched them until they had tumbled out of sight, carried away to God-knows-where. In the end, it didn't really matter that he had torn up her picture, because every detail of her face was committed to memory, not matter how hard he wanted to forget.

–

The next morning Sid went downstairs to make himself a cup of coffee before going out. He found Arnold at the kitchen table. Arnold was on the phone and the tone of his voice revealed how exasperated he was.

Sid grabbed a mug from the cupboard. The coffee had already been brewed, so he took the pot and poured the dark liquid out into his mug. He was only half listening to Arnold's phone conversation. It wasn't until he heard the name of the bakery and "fire" mentioned together did his heart start being fast. By the time Arnold got off the phone, Sid was sweating profusely and scratching at his ink-covered arms.

Arnold looked at Sid seriously. His face was grim.

"The bakery burned down last night," Arnold said.

Sid swallowed and couldn't find anything to say. He felt like he was going to pass out. It had burned down. He couldn't believe it.

"They don't think it was arson," Arnold went on.

Sid scratched at his face and bit his lip. His mouth was so dry. He was the last one at the bakery last night. He had checked everything, it all looked like it was okay. Had he accidentally left an oven on? Sid couldn't believe it. He had destroyed Arnold's livelihood, and Susannah's and they just had a baby! What would they do now, without any income? Sid had ruined their lives.

"Arnold, I don't... don't know, when I closed up last night, I checked the kitchen, everything was off. It was all off."

"I'm not saying it was your fault, Sid," Arnold said, but Sid could tell he was blaming him. "They're going to do an investigation. We'll find out then."

Sid nodded numbly, then turned and bolted from the kitchen. He ran out of the boarding house and ran through the streets until he found a pay phone. Sid ended up by the docks, doubled over coughing, hardly able to breathe. When he finally stopped coughing, Sid reached into his pocket and pulled out the napkin that had Lila's number written on it. She was the only one he could call.

She picked up after several rings and said, "Hello? Who is this?"

"It's Sid, Lila, it's Sid," he panted.

"Sid? You sound weird, what's going on?"

"I fuck it all up! I fucked it up! I'm a fucking fuck up, Christ!" Sid choked, pressing a peeling palm into his watering eye until he saw stars.

"Wha–? Sid, I don't, I don't understand," Lila said.

Sid was crying too hard now to talk.

"Where are you? I'll come to you," Lila said. It sounded like she was rustling around. "Just tell me where you are, Sid."

"T-th-the d-d-d-docks," Sid managed.

"I'll be there in ten minutes, don't move, okay?" Lila said before hanging up.

Ten minutes later, Sid saw a car pull up. Lila got out. She shielded her eyes against the sun while she searched the docks. Her eyes locked on Sid's. Moments later, she was sitting next to him on the dock.

"What's wrong, what happened?" Lila asked, her voice full of concern.

"I... I think I burned down Arnold's bakery," Sid muttered, ashamed that he was still crying.

"What?" Lila looked shocked.

Sid took a wavering breath and figured he owed her an explanation.

"It had to close early, yesterday, because Susannah went into labour, and I stayed late so people who needed to pick something up could still get it, so I was the only one there and I checked the kitchen, I checked it when I left but I feel like I should have done a real check, to make sure everything was off. What if an oven was on and that's what caused the fire? Arnold trusted me to make sure everything was okay, and I fucking failed! I've fucking failed everything in my life, I can't even do anything right," Sid spoke, words bunching up together like fabric with a needle drawn too quickly through.

"This... this isn't just about the fire, is it?" Lila put her hand on Sid's shoulder.

"No," Sid said forcefully.

He took the wedding band off his left hand and in a moment of rage, flung it into the bay. He immediately regretted it and started crying all over again. Lila blinked and looked confused, as if she was wondering what she had gotten herself into.

"I gave her everything, everything and it was so messed up," Sid sobbed.

"Your wife?"

"B-bitch!" Sid spat, still hurting over the fact that his wedding band was now at the bottom of the bay. "I... I don't even know. I asked her, I always asked her if she was okay, and she wasn't. She was never okay."

Lila didn't say anything. Sid didn't expect her to, but now that he had started to talk, he found that he couldn't stop. The secret that had burdened his heart for so long had clawed its way to the surface, and nothing he could do would stop it from being told.

"I know we were so messed up, all we did every day was get high and then go out and do things that no one should ever have to do to get more and and it was like that over and over and over and I thought that it never could get better than this and then I got arrested and had to get clean in prison and when I got out I wanted to marry her. She told me she went to treatment. She told me she was clean too. But that bitch lied! She never should have lied about that, I worked hard every day, harder than I ever had in my life because she got pregnant and I wanted the baby to have a nice place to live and I thought I loved her and I thought she deserved it but then the baby was born..." Sid trailed off as he thought about Caroline again. He took another wavering breath and went on, knowing that Lila shouldn't be the only one burdened with hearing this, that it was too much to ask her to hear this, but he hardly could _not _tell it.

"Caroline. My little baby girl, Caroline Elaine Gifaldi. Six pounds, six ounces, 4:39 am, the 8th of May. She was perfect, so perfect, I never loved anyone so much in my life, and then we got home and she was so distant, nothing seemed right when I came home and Caroline was always fussy and hungry and her diaper was never changed so I always took care of her as soon as I came home. I asked her every day, every minute of the waking day, 'Are you all right?' 'Can you handle taking care of Caroline?' All the time. All the damn time. She always said yes but then one day she told me that she couldn't take it any more. I told her, just make it one more day, just last today, until I get home, and we can figure this out. She told me that morning. And when I came back, she was dead and Caroline was dead. She killed Caroline."

Sid stopped here, unable to go on for the longest time. Lila rubbed his back. He could see tears shining in her eyes too. Sid never meant to make her cry.

"I... If I had done something sooner, they both would still be here. If I had loved someone else, if I had done something different... she used the whole time she was pregnant with Caroline... she was never clean for more than five minutes!" Sid shouted. "And I still love her... is that wrong? It's been five years, and I still love that stupid junkie that ruined my life!"

"I... I don't think it's wrong, but you... you need help, Sid, you need more than me to help you out with this," Lila said slowly.

Sid nodded numbly, too overcome with feelings to do much else. He wiped his eyes though he knew it was useless to do so, because the tears weren't stopping. Lila saw this and hugged him gently, as if she was unsure of all this. Sid knew she was right. He needed to move forward. But all this rancid hurt brewing inside him had finally come to a head with his anguished confession and he was afraid he would do something stupid.

"It's just... I can't stand the feeling of having the opportunity to have done something to save something, but not having done it! I can't go back and face Arnold knowing what I did, I can barely face myself."

"It's not your fault," Lila said simply. "It's not your fault."

"It's... not my fault," Sid repeated.

Lila nodded earnestly and gave him a watery smile. Sid looked at her fiercely, eyes burning. She looked beautiful in the light of the sun. Her hair gleamed red through the chestnut dye, while the sun illuminated every freckle on her face and shone through her eyes, leaving them a glowing honey colour.

Sid swallowed the lump in his throat and stood up. Everything in his life, he knew he could have made a different, better choice. Each second of each day, he agonized himself with what-ifs. He knew from this moment on, he would have yet another what-if. What if he had kissed Lila at that moment? He would never know, and he knew he should be glad. It would have been the heat of the moment. She was engaged. He wasn't over the hurts of his past.

But he still couldn't help but wonder.

"Let's go... okay?" Sid asked Lila.

Lila nodded and got to her feet. Sid did the same. He wiped his face again and sniffed. Still feeling impulsive, Sid reached into his jacket to pull out a glass pipe and a small packet. He chucked both into the bay. He knew it wouldn't be that easy, the real test would come when he went back to his room at the boarding house. It still made him feel lighter though. It lessened the pain.

"Why don't you come back to my place for a while, Sid, and we can talk more," Lila said, not looking too surprised at what Sid just did.

"Okay," Sid said.

–

"...And I don't really know if it was my fault, the fire, but I just wanted to tell you why I'm leaving and where I'm going. In case they find anything out," Sid said.

Arnold looked at him across the table with intense eyes, rimmed in red and tears. Recounting what he told Lila to Arnold made him feel everything all over again and the pain was almost unbearable.

"I just want to thank you for giving me that job, you don't know how much it means to me, that you trusted me enough. I'm sorry if I broke that trust," Sid said.

He stood up and prepared to leave, not expecting Arnold to do anything. But Arnold stood up and clapped his hand on Sid's shoulder.

"You didn't break my trust Sid, I don't think the fire was anything that could have been prevented. They think it was electrical, it was an old building. I... I'm sorry that happened to you. I fully support you going to rehab... and there will always be a room waiting here for you if you need it."

"Thank you," Sid said to Arnold, and he meant it.

–

It was a beautiful wedding. The sun shone and there wasn't a cloud in the sky. It was picture perfect, with the rolling hills behind the now wedded couple. Sid smiled and clapped with everyone else when Lila and Cole shared a kiss. She beamed and ducked her head while walking down the aisle, laughing at the bubbles flying everywhere.

Later on at the reception, Lila caught up with him.

"You look great, Sid!" Lila exclaimed.

Sid supposed he did. He had gained some weight and muscle, and cut his hair. The scabs were gone, but his teeth were still bad.

"Thank you, but you look beautiful, congrats," Sid said.

"Thanks, Sid, I'm really glad you could make it," Lila gave him a hug.

"I'm glad I could, too. I'm leaving as soon as I'm done," Sid said.

"Really? Where are you going?" Lila asked.

"I'm not running away. I'm not running away from things any more. I'm going back, back to Arizona, to see their graves. It's something I've got to do."

Lila nodded sombrely, "I understand. Call me soon, all right? I want to know how you're doing."

Sid told her that he would. He stayed a little longer at the reception, talking with a few people he used to know. Arnold and Susannah were there. Sid talked to them as well, knowing that they had been wondering how he had been doing, but everything felt empty. He put the envelope containing a heartfelt note to Lila and most of the savings he had managed to accrue during his stint at the bakery on the gift table. Then he left.

He wasn't going to to their graves. They didn't have any. There had been no money for any sort of burial; their bodies had been donated to science.

Sid was throwing himself to the wind. He found he no longer cared much about what happened to him. He hadn't finished rehab, he had checked himself out. He couldn't take it there, seeing all the other addicts rattle around the place like paper-covered skeletons with jowly faces.

Maybe he would go out to sea again and never return. Either way, he knew he couldn't stay here, in Hillwood. Seeing everyone going about their respectable lives while his sat in shambles; it was more than he could take.

Maybe he would go out to sea again and never return.

–

A rather open ended and plotless one-shot. I've wanted to get the next Firebird chapter out for a while but I don't think that will happen until after this semester ends.

Also, I want to ask you guys to please be respectful of the postpartum depression stuff used in this story. It's something close to my heart, family member in jail because of it, etc., etc.. So, yeah, if you guys could be respectful about it, I'd appreciate it.

Also Also, this story made me realize I really like writing about Lila.


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